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Tools redefined

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Tools redefined

Unread postAuthor: jackssmirkingrevenge » Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:42 am

I came across this little gem I had posted on spudtech, worth reposting :D

TOOLS REDEFINED:

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. INSPECTION LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife
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Unread postAuthor: Killjoy » Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:59 am

Haha those were great. Very accurate, nice write up.
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Unread postAuthor: MrCrowley » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:04 am

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light


So true, I loose hundreds of things under my bench and find them somewhere completely different, how they get there is a mystery :)

You forgot a angle grinder...

ANGLE GRINDER: Renders every object it comes in contact with useless when attempting to save time on a palm sander.

Been guilty of that one many a time.
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Unread postAuthor: Killjoy » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:12 am

MIG WELDER: Used most often as a method for connecting two peices of metal permanently but incorrectly; forcing the use of an angle grinder and then the start of a new project.

DRILL BITS: Excellent for flesh removal from under one's finger nail. Also good at disapearing when needed most, especially the larger sizes.
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Last edited by Killjoy on Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Unread postAuthor: jackssmirkingrevenge » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:16 am

EPOXY - A binary adhesive used to preserve failed components in a corrosion resistant sarcophagus that can be admired by future generations, not dissimilar to prehistoric insects trapped in amber:

Image
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Unread postAuthor: Killjoy » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:20 am

SUPER GLUE: An adheisve that commonly attaches one's hand to either the work table or work peice, resulting in some peice of flesh being left behind.

PVC PRIMER: Excellent for turning all things purple, whether desired or not.
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Unread postAuthor: MrCrowley » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:32 am

SPIRIT LEVEL: Secondary ruler.
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Unread postAuthor: BigGrib » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:39 am

TEFLON TAPE: A substance known as tape though not sticky, commonly used to seal small irritating leaks by those installing sprinkler systems, air powered tools, and those calling themselves "SpudGunners".
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Yea, that's definitely going to get you at least a tazer.

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Unread postAuthor: Ragnarok » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:42 am

Reminds me of the Imaginary toolstore:
http://www.david.zen.co.uk/toolstore/index.html

I think I need to add...

DREMEL - Used for breaking rotary tool bits. Also shows an aversion to physical contact, and will try to escape the hands of any person holding it.

PLASMA CUTTER - Useful if you need to get a bit off the end of that plasma rod you've been keeping in the shed.

PIPE CUTTER - Used to put pretty spiral patterns in the side of a pipe you wanted to cut in half. (I have a pipe cutter that has a habit of doing this.)

BIG WRENCH - Substitute for hammer.

MULTI TOOL - Used to add weight to your pocket, or to be left at home when you need it.

RANDOM ACTION SANDER - Used to acquire repetitive strain injury.

PAINTBRUSH - Used to apply paint to your best clothes that you should have changed out of.

AUTO IGNITION BLOWTORCH: Used to light the cooker when the sparker stops working.

WD40: Used when something doesn't move but it should.

DUCT TAPE: Used when something moves but it shouldn't.

ELECTRICAL TAPE: Very rarely used when electricity is involved.
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Does that thing kinda look like a big cat to you?
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Unread postAuthor: MrCrowley » Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:03 am

Ragnarok wrote:ELECTRICAL TAPE: Very rarely used when electricity is involved.


Haha very true.
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Unread postAuthor: jackssmirkingrevenge » Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:03 am

HEAT GUN - cigarette lighter
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Unread postAuthor: MrCrowley » Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:10 am

SOLDERING IRON: When a normal iron just doesn't cut it.
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Unread postAuthor: jackssmirkingrevenge » Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:13 am

Ragnarok wrote:Reminds me of the Imaginary toolstore:
http://www.david.zen.co.uk/toolstore/index.html


Nice one :D

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Also provided even if you don't place an order!


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Unread postAuthor: Ragnarok » Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:58 am

MrCrowley wrote:
Ragnarok wrote:ELECTRICAL TAPE: Very rarely used when electricity is involved.

Haha very true.

I find that electrical tape doesn't really get used in electrical connections, but gets used for just about anything else - emergency band-aid/plaster, etc...

Four types of tape. Duct tape, teflon tape, electrical tape, measuring tape. If you've got those, you need not want for tape - unless you need clear tape for some reason.
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Unread postAuthor: MrCrowley » Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:10 am

Ragnarok wrote:
MrCrowley wrote:
Ragnarok wrote:ELECTRICAL TAPE: Very rarely used when electricity is involved.

Haha very true.
emergency band-aid/plaster, etc...


Exactly what I use it for, we never have plasters, they don't work so good anyway. Bit of tissue and electricians tape does the trick nicely.

People think i'm nuts, I just tell 'em i'm a Spudder, and then they understand.*



*Not really, they wouldn't know what a spudder was if it launched a golfball through their door, but they still think i'm crazy. :D
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