SpudFiles

I was very bored and found this on http://www.thehumorarchives.com:

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? Because they want to.


And now for all my computing and electronics fans:

Some embarassing quotes
Here are some of the most embarrassing quotes made in various industries

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder, Steve Jobs, on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981[/b]

And now for all those who have cats and/or dogs:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgussmily them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

And this one is to top it of: http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Th ... _Anonymity

The first one was the best. But all in all, a good chuckle.

Because they want to, Priceless

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boozing4.6, P! oker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected. In addition,the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. ( KEEP READING )

______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under

Warnings-Alimony - Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear 1.0 " to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Admin - Helpdesk

I could give you 500 more but i am intrested to hear some of yours to(seeing as peopel are posting already) and not takign up the whole page.

Edit: as btb suggested just use links or we will stuff up th eforum big time with waste, and i woudl like to see what sites are used .

No need to copy and paste the entire webpage..
Sure it's fun but it's been linked before.
Doing this encourages others to do the same...
This just crowds up the forum.


It's still priceless though.

Heck, for your amusement, some quotes from my school teachers:

"I know you can get treatment for this, but I always wanted to be a school teacher."
"I may now have to kill or mortally wound students who haven't handed in their projects."
"Moderation is all about conning the moderator into thinking you're better than you are."
"I like to keep a running commentary of what's happening in my hands."
"I'm not bald - these are the solar panels that drive a sex machine!"
"Why am I so freaked out? Because it's BAAAADDD!"
"I've been rummaging around in Mr Smith's drawers, don't tell him!"
"That's like saying two elephants = three lions and a penguin."
Student: "I don't know what you're on about" Teacher: "Neither do I!"
"Maybe a bit of tree fell down. And there's injured kids outside. Oohh yes!"
"And earth was hot, damn hot!"
"Sello-tape is the universal enzyme!"
"A supernova is when a star blows up and you're left with a huge cloud of crap."
Teacher: "If you keep that up, I'll have to defenestrate you." Student: "What's that?" Teacher: "Pick a window, I'll show you."

And specifically from my Chemistry teacher:

"Today's safety information will be in mime!"
"No, water is insoluble with water - it forms a separate layer on top. Prove me wrong!"
"You look around the universe, and what do you see? Balls!"
"It says Yttrbium to confuse you, but all the information is there. If it said 'Metal gerbil reacts with sulphuric acid to form hydrogen gas and a solution of Gerbil (III) sulphate', it would still be answerable."
"I normally demonstrate this bit by getting a student wearing seven items of clothing to the front of the class. After removing the first couple of items, they get very keen to keep the rest on."
"Right Claire, just knock that door down will you?"
"As this mixture's a bit damp, it might be hard to set off, so we're going to use a small explosive charge. I forgot to bring any this morning, but we're chemists, so we can make one."
"This bit is very important. This is what stops the experiment going downstairs the short way and saying hello to the cookery class down there."

Probably not as funny if you weren't there, but amusing anyway.

You kept track all those years?

Got to love teachers anc hemistry teachers especially, keep it coming and we will have a whole thread of joked, chuckes and giggles. Spudder entertainment

if i had a link i would have posted it , what i posted was sent to me in an email.

rp181 wrote:You kept track all those years?

Yes, there was a book of "quotes from teachers" a friend kept, and she later condensed into a page for the leaver's yearbook.
I had to skip over a number, as they'd make little sense without knowing the people involved.

The yearbook includes several other things, including an official statement by my head of year that I was the most dangerous student she had ever taught, and a complete set of "awards", which includes:
- Most likely to be a pimp
- Most likely to be fired by Sir Alan Sugar
- Welsh-iest Welshman
- Most likely to be come a hair product model
- Most likely to kill with a lawn mower
- Real Life Italian Job driver
- Most likely to wake up in a different country
- Most proud of heritage without reason
- Most lethal use of a Badminton racket
- Most likely to be come a Mime artist
- Blondest Brunette
- Most likely to die in a pub punch up
- Best resembles a kitchen appliance
- Most desperate for an award
- Most likely to be hit by a bus
- Dumbest Clever Person
- Wishes he was Welsh

We were pretty evil handing out those awards, as you can tell.

Ah, yearbooks are always fun.
However, what you guys will never see from my year book are the pictures of me in drag, regardless of the entertainment value they might have to you.

Ragnarok wrote: The yearbook includes several other things, including an official statement by my head of year that I was the most dangerous student she had ever taught, and a complete set of "awards", which includes:

Many of those "awards" are decidedly only Brit relatable. The Sir Alan Sugar and Welsh references will go over the heads of most all non-UKers.

Rag, your teacher quotes are nothing compared to some of mine! (and my teacher was completely unaware it was funny, he was our 80 year old tech teacher)

"When you make that face, its like your in a toilet, and you're upside down, and your just SHITTING ALL OVER YOURSELF!!"

"I'm just going to lube up this rod so it will slide in and out easily, and OH! I just got it all over my hands..."

"You are all a really attractive bunch of people" (to a class of all men)

"You think you know everything, BUT YOU DON'T! SO SHUT UP!"

"There's nothing I would like more than to teach a bunch of prepubescent female girls..."

" Get down in there, real close, I want to show you something..."

There's one story about a teacher that sticks out in my head:

We were doing a math problem where you had to calculate the speed of a snail. I came up with 0.001 km/h or something like that. Made sense, snails aren't that fast. My teacher however, came up with 100,000 km/h. She insisted this was the right answer.

starman wrote:Many of those "awards" are decidedly only Brit relatable. The Sir Alan Sugar and Welsh references will go over the heads of most all non-UKers.

Ah, but the Welsh-iest Welshman is actually Welsh. He's just the most Welsh. But yes, it's probable the Welsh jokes are going to not make any sense.

For those of you who have no idea, Alan Sugar was the big businessman who headed the UK's version of "The Apprentice".

I assume the rest of them are discernible enough.

@sputnick: I'm being tactful in which of the quotes I relate.

And what's wrong with telling a group of males that they're attractive?
I'm perfectly capable of telling when a guy's good looking and when he's not, in spite of being perfectly straight.