SpudFiles

instead of typing "And just to make it long enough." hold down on the space bar for a couple lines.

Thnx for the tip didn't think that would count.

SpudStuff wrote:WHEN A WHITE PERSON DRESSES IN OVERSIZE CLOTHING AND SPEAKS JIBBERISH THEY ARE CALLED HOMELESS.

WHEN A BLACK PRESON DRESSES IN OVERSIZE CLOTHING AND SPEAKS JIBBERISH THEY ARE CALLED A RAPPER

LOL that couldnt be more true

Okay, so these 2 rubbers were walking down the street, they pass a gay bar and one turns to the other and says, "Hey, you wanna go get $#@& faced?"

i give you, the DVD rewinder
http://www.dvguru.com/2006/10/03/the-dvd-rewinder/

could i have one too, my hand get really tired rewinding my dvds

i present to you nothing, for only $6.28 you can own nothing. no im not kidding you can actually buy nothing

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/nothing/index.html

lol i used to have a panic and any key on my keyboard.

lol ur sig got pwned

---

ok this one is found in the fastest readers digest, it goes something like

A family was moving, and they needed to get rid of a lot of junk before they can move, so they called one of those special junk collection services. The junk collector said that they have to back everything into garbage bags and put it on your curb, but the bags can't have any food in them. So the family gathers every junk and puts in in the bags, and labeled the bags "NO FOOD"

A day later they found several bags of groceries on their door mat

Before I post these, I appoligize for the copy and paste

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock s flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, ..........................................
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Hoo-ah!

A Baptist Minister was seated next to an Army Ranger on a flight to Columbus, GA. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Ranger asked for a bourbon and water, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Ranger then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

--------------------------------------------------

A young and foolish hot-shot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime. Instead of making any official landing requests to the tower, he said.... "Guess who?" The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied..... "Guess where!"

--------------------------------------------------

A C-141 Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for well over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because it's sewage container had not been pumped out.

An Airman Basic meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddles around for a while, then gets ready to leave.

The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated, "You have caused me to be 2-hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well!"

The young Airman smiled and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping sh*t from aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?

--------------------------------------------------

Modern Military Terms

Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."

Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."

Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."

Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."

Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."

Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"

Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"

Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"

An Asset is "something that can be blown up"

Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"

btw, all of these came from another website, they ain't mine.

copy and paste!

nother one

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too
close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm
in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill
working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this
time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a
plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next
day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing
football.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the
mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to
the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts
it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the
doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I
brought him in yesterday."

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his
head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

few more....

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are
installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they
have
conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate
procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its
excessive
distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the
inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot
provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.


Royal visit


At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

Subject: New Workplace Rules

THE NEW 2005 EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for
lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you don't need a
raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and
subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict
3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open
and
a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our great company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers
have
accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four
in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your rear kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


Things you won't read on Hallmark cards

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my
back? You'll probably need it again.

FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time
you kept your promise.

FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

FRONT: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

FRONT: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.

FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

Congrats.... 6 posts in a row.