Tools redefined

This was originally posted by Jackssmirkingrevenge on 1st Feb 2008.
The work of several other contributors has been added.

The list!

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.


18. INSPECTION LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife

25. ANGLE GRINDER: Renders every object it comes in contact with useless when attempting to save time on a palm sander.

26. MIG WELDER: Used most often as a method for connecting two peices of metal permanently but incorrectly; forcing the use of an angle grinder and then the start of a new project.

27. DRILL BITS: Excellent for flesh removal from under one's finger nail. Also good at disapearing when needed most, especially the larger sizes.

28. EPOXY - A binary adhesive used to preserve failed components in a corrosion resistant sarcophagus that can be admired by future generations, not dissimilar to prehistoric insects trapped in amber

29. SUPER GLUE: An adheisve that commonly attaches one's hand to either the work table or work peice, resulting in some peice of flesh being left behind.

30. PVC PRIMER: Excellent for turning all things purple, whether desired or not.

31. SPIRIT LEVEL: Secondary ruler.

32. TEFLON TAPE: A substance known as tape though not sticky, commonly used to seal small irritating leaks by those installing sprinkler systems, air powered tools, and those calling themselves "SpudGunners".

33. DREMEL: Used for breaking rotary tool bits. Also shows an aversion to physical contact, and will try to escape the hands of any person holding it.

34. PLASMA CUTTER: Useful if you need to get a bit off the end of that plasma rod you've been keeping in the shed.

35. PIPE CUTTER: Used to put pretty spiral patterns in the side of a pipe you wanted to cut in half.

36. BIG WRENCH: Substitute for hammer.

37. MULTI TOOL: Used to add weight to your pocket, or to be left at home when you need it.

38. RANDOM ACTION SANDER: Used to acquire repetitive strain injury.

39. PAINTBRUSH: Used to apply paint to your best clothes that you should have changed out of.

40. AUTO IGNITION BLOWTORCH: Used to light the cooker when the sparker stops working.

41. WD40: Used when something doesn't move but it should.

42. DUCT TAPE: Used when something moves but it shouldn't.

43. BIG HAMMER: Used to release jammed parts.

44. ELECTRICAL TAPE: Very rarely used when electricity is involved.

45. HEAT GUN: cigarette lighter

46. SOLDERING IRON: When a normal iron just doesn't cut it.

47. ADJUSTABLE WRENCH - wrench designed to slowly loosen while you're using it, so on that very last turn of the fitting/bolt/etc., the handle flies forward with respectable velocity. See HAMMER.

48. ALLIGATOR CLIPS - small miracles of sheet metal that allow one to make "permanent" circuits in a matter of seconds.

49. SCISSOR JACK - device found quite commonly in campgrounds and trailer parks around the world, designed to swiftly remove ones digits or appendages when caught between legs.

50. ATV - permanent transportation up to highway speeds, mule, work-bitch, and power source all rolled into one beautiful package.

51. HOT GLUE - see EPOXY.

52. PIPE WRENCH - rounded-bolt remover, hammer, wrench for any bolt above 1", removes trailer balls rusted onto bumpers... very rarely is it used to connect threaded pipe fittings.

53. HEX/ALLEN KEY: Useful for binding two fingers together because it went through them when you were trying to remove the chuck from a pneumatic drill, with it still connected to it's air supply.

54. RUSTY OLD ENGLISH PIPE WRENCH: Designed to help your fist remove your glasses or front teeth when it slips from a 2" fitting.The handle is hardened to cope with repetive impacts to face.

55. HOME MADE HIGH PRESSURE PUMP: Specialised tool to remove front teeth much faster than the rusty old english pipe wrench.

56. UTILITY KNIFE BLADE: Easily replacable sharp object detects nerve endings under your fingernails when seaching through boxes of stuff. Keeps you from forgetting you have nerve endings..